papertex
by deep inspirational word
Summary: "It's not something you can just say." —I love you. You can't just say I love you when you mean it in such a way. / oneshot / incest!RinxLen


tHIS IS SO BAD OMG.

I'm posting this on another account because it's so bad. sorry r.i.p anyone who reads this.

it's kind of... poetic? (with an unhealthy amount of hyphens.)

blegh. bleghhhh. idk. warning for the incessizle, but I already pre-warned you all soooooooooo. (plus pre-warning because it gets kind of weird like help.)

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><p>—and it was already over,<p>

When it began.

I closed my eyes and wished

It was already over—

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**papertex**

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She speaks like so, "Well yesterday I went to the shops and I saw some cute gloves so I bought them but then I lost them somewhere in the toy store—_don't ask me why I was in there_—so I tried to look for them but I couldn't find them and so my day already kind of sucked, and then when I came outside it was snowing and I slipped and fell on my butt and oh my _God_ it hurt _so _bad I have a bruise do you want to see it? No? Okay well anyway I ran into Kaito and for _goodness sake_ will that thing ever put down ice-cream? Even though it's the middle of winter he's _still eating ice-cream_ anyway he told me Miku was looking for me so I called her and she told me she was at the toy store and found my gloves somehow so long story short that was my day I guess it turned out pretty well I guess—" Breath, "—how was _your _day, Len?"

I continue to stare at the blank TV screen.

Don't look.

Don't look.

_Don't look._

"It was very usual," I say.

Rin seems to sigh. "You tell me that every day."

"Well it _was_."

"Was it any _more_ usual than any other days? Or less?" she probes, banging her heels against the couch.

I wish she'd stop doing that.

—Banging her heels, I mean.

Well I _wish_ she'd stop doing _a lot_ of things but life has already proven enough that _wishes_ don't exactly come true, now, _do they?_ (Correct me if I'm wrong, but nothing in the word of a _miracle_ has ever passed by my path.)

I blink blankly at the black square. "More usual, although I'm not sure how that makes sense."

She stares long and very hard at me.

She does this a lot.

"The TV isn't going to turn on through telekinetic powers, Len," she then informs. "Although, we could try telekinetic messages because we're _twins_—"

_Please don't say that_.

"Hey! I was talking to you—where are you going? Don't ignore me!"

_I'm sorry_.

"Len!"

_Sorry_.

Her expression; I see it in the reflection of the cabinet as I walk out. Hurt. Confused. I really, really didn't want her to feel that way. Because a lot of the time, that's how I felt too.

—For a different reason.

And I wish my bed would murder me.

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"I—I don't understand why he's doing this," she sobs to Miku on the phone—I see it when I walk past her room at two o'clock in the morning. "What did I do?"

I can almost hear her words—"Brothers are just mean, Rin. My brother does that too!"

Yes…

But your brother isn't c _raz y._

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"Why are you treating her like this? She's so upset over this and—I—I can't believe you! I didn't raise you to treat people this way—and _you_ _know_ that! Why?" Mum seems frustrated. Agitated. "I don't understand why you're shutting everyone out like this!"

How should you be able to understand something that I can't even understand myself?

"Sorry," is all I can muster. But a mere apology is not really enough for them.

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Someone grabs my sleeve on the way out of school.

I know who it is.

"Len, Len, _please_ come back home. _Please_. Oh why, why—" _Why are you doing this?_ Is that what you're going to ask? "Len! Come back! _Please!_ Len, please talk to me—"

I _can't_. I _can't._ I _caN'T_.

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"Maybe you should—talk to someone—"

"But why should I talk to you?"

"Well, I'm the school counsellor and I've been asked to—"

"_But why? _Who said you'll _help me?_ How can _anyone_ help _me?_"

She looks terrified. So am I. I am terrified.

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Rin is waiting for me, I knew she followed me here yesterday, but I didn't want to say anything about it.

She looks hopeful. Like it might do something. _Change_ something. But you can't, Rin, you can't, you can't, _you_ can't—

"We're going to graduate soon—I don't want to spend the rest of my life without talking—"

It hurts too much.

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She cries. She really breaks down.

I don't want to see this.

"Please, please don't leave me _again_," she sobs. "I haven't seen you two years, Len—I know you want to push everyone away, but do you not understand how _fra g ile we are? I don't want to live a life of regret because I never got the chance to fix things with you_—if you or I die _tomorrow_, Len—"

"_Stop_ trying to make me _bad_, I push everyone away for a _reason_, and I'm sure to _hell_ you wouldn't ever want to associate with me _any_way _if you did_," I spit.

Rin crumples. "I don't understand—you're my brother and it's my job to be _here_ for you no matter what, Len—"

_You're my brother._

_Brother._

The rain is soaking into my jacket. Soaking through to my bones. If only the rain could drown me. "But. You. _Won't._"

"Do you think I'm that kind of person? Do you really believe that even though you haven't _tried_—"

"_I know_ because it is something _so wrong, so wrong, so wrong_—no one thinks it's _okay,_ Rin!"

She breathes in shakily, reaching out for me.

W_H_y?

Why is she so beautiful, even now?

When she is weak, hopeless, begging?

Why?

Why am I so _s i c k?_

Why was I even born? Why was I—

"But you can tell me," she whispers. "Because for you I will be there for anything. I won't push you away, because I know how it feels like to be pushed away by someone you l-l_o_ve…"

I close my eyes and shake my head. "How could you say that? How could you say you even love a person like me?" My voice wavers. "W-why are t-there so man—… many kinds of l—_ove?_ It hurts, it's s-such a terrible word, _why_…"

Her hand rests on my face.

Her eyes seem so clear, so naïve.

Why…?

"Len…" Her eyebrows meet. She touches my cheek, her finger brushing against the corner of my eye.

I swallow. "Why can't you just hate me instead? It would just be easier. It would make everything easier."

"I can't hate someone if I don't have a valid reason…"

"But there _is_. I pushed you away. I pushed _everyone_ away—isn't that enough?"

Rin shakes her head. "No… I can't hate you when I don't even know _why_ you do it." She presses her lips together. "I can't hate you when I know you're hurting."

I bow my head into her shoulder. It feels wrong. It feels like I shouldn't be doing this. A person, so horrible as me, shouldn't be allowed to touch someone so innocent as her.

Her arms move around my back and pull me closer. Though we're both wet, shivering, the embrace is warm. She digs her fingers into my back and burrows her head into my chest. "You need to give yourself the love you need, Len…"

"The love I need I shouldn't have," I reason, rigid against her small frame. "It—it's not good. It's bad. It's horrifying. Awful. Disgusting."

"Tell me _why_ it's so bad, then."

"It's not something you can just _say_."

—_I love you._ You can't just say _I love you_ when you mean it in such a way.

She pulls away, rather hastily. "Is it true?" she then asks, her voice becoming pitchy. She drops her gaze to the ground, fiddling.

"What?" I ask back, confused.

"What I just heard—" Rin clenches her jaw. She seems to be internally arguing with herself. "It's—" she inhales, "—_conflicting_."

What'd she just hear? "I didn't say anything other than—"

Rin shakes her head, pained. "I _know_, but don't _you_—sometimes _I_—it's just—" She breathes. "Sometimes I _hear_ things…"

I raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

She fiddles with her fingers, nervous. Her mouth opens and closes, but no comprehensible sound coming out. Finally, she steps forward and laces her fingers into the hair on the back of my head, pulling me down.

Her breath tickles my cheek, my ear. Internally, I'm panicking. Part of me wants to push her away—the other, to hold her close.

"Len, I know this is crazy, but—I can hear them."

"Hear what?" Dead people?

Rin tilts her head away. "I can hear you say things. In my head. But you don't say them in real life—I have, I always have—but I don't _know_ still whether they're real—I could just be _crazy_—"

_Not as crazy as me._

"—but they always make sense—and even when you were pushing me away—I could hear them, and I still wanted to _try_ to be there for you because you seemed to be in _so much_ pain. Maybe I knew all along _why_, but I just couldn't come to terms with it; it's surreal, it's confusing, it's probably bad, but… I know, Len." Her fingers are trembling against my head. Her words… jumbled. She laughs to herself… but it's really, really sad. "I can't bear it, you know? I'd always ignored it, but your voice—it would always bring back the harsh reality."

I don't want to accept what she's trying to say.

Because I know what she is saying, and I don't want her to.

I want her to—but I don't want her to, because it's bad, it's bad, it's _so_ bad and it's terrible and I _don't_ want her to feel this pain because this _isn't_ supposed to happen; _no one_ will understand and it's dangerous and I just—_can't_…

"How long?" she whispers.

I want to ask, _how long what?_ but I know what she's asking about.

"I don't know when—but I just realised it one day—and I was scared. I was so, so _scared_."

Rin swallows, resting her chin just below my shoulder. "_Why did I just think that? Why did I…? God, what is wrong with me?_" she quotes. "I heard that." Her hands fumble for mine—her touch sending electric currents through my body.

"Why did you never say anything? About the thoughts?"

"I tried—but every time I tried, you would push me away."

_I'm sorry_.

She starts to cry again. "It's fine. Just—tell me again."

"Tell you—"

"Tell me how you feel. But this time, _say_ it to me."

What, so you can reject me?

She just shakes her head, and I look up out over the park. The rain had let up a few minutes ago, but there's no sign of any people returning. The sky still looks too heavy.

I sigh.

It's hard—and I wonder—why do things happen like this? Is God playing a game with me, or us; is this what he _wants?_

Why—why does this happen?

There's no explanation.

I'd already tried researching it—you know, _is there a reason as to why I'm so messed up?_ But the results only gave me answers for different scenarios. There is no reason. There's no scientific explanation. I'm just crazy. I'm just mad. I'm just revolting.

How many times have I wished to die because of it?

But how many times have I delayed it because I was scared of the consequences?

Am I going to Hell?

Am I… evil?

It's a cruel world—isn't it?

And regardless of whether I say those words or not, it won't change the fact that I still feel that way. I probably always will. No matter how many times I've told myself to stop; I just keep going. And going. And going.

So, what have I got to lose?

I lost anything I did have in the beginning—

I'm already broken enough—

It doesn't matter what happens, because this is the way things are meant to be.

Anything that happens is what's supposed to happen.

What will happen after this?

I don't know.

But I want to know.

"Rin," I call gently.

She moves her head back to look at me.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. But I'll say it.

"I love you."

Her lips move, they curve into a smile. "I—"

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—it was already over,

When it began.

I closed my eyes and hoped

This was only beginning—

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end

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><p>that ending (claps) I need to go back to school for a reason.<p> 


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